please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
