His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
