Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My hand turned me down
Who wears a wallet chain?!
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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