Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Randomize
