so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
