Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
