Your face is a jimmy john
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
This show inspires me to have sex in space
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
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