Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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