Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
