I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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