I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
