I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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