haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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