Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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