Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
