Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
