I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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