angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
