The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
