I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
