Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
