i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
