I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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