I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
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I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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