Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
