Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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