Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
