I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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