"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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