its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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