Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
