I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
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Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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