And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
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I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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