I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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