the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
