I am puke
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
