Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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