Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
is wine microwaveable?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Don't tell me you're on acid again