Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow