I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
