dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
