shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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