This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
