No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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