thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
