watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The struggles of a small town man whore
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
