Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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