I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
