we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
How naked do you want me to be?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
