Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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