I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
