So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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