the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
