it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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