I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
