You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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