literally had 100 drinks last night.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
