She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Vodka?
Forever.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
